Couples Therapy
Many couples come to therapy at times of conflict or alienation - either drifting apart or actively pushing each other away. Other couples have a hard time tolerating any conflict, with each partner feeling so protective of the other, or so personally distressed by discord, that there’s little room to address the issues that need attention. In either case, we will work to leverage each partner’s organic compassion, for themselves and for others, to find new ways of engaging that feel safe for all involved.
Stuck points & feedback loops
All of us come with history, and all of us have moments when we’re responding to history more than to the person in front of us. When couples hit stuck points, this is often what’s happening – something in the present-day interaction is touching an old wound, prompting one partner to respond self-protectively. And (as luck would have it!) something in that self-protective response is touching an old wound of their partner’s, prompting them to double down in turn.
Noticing and unpacking this feedback loop can be transformative in eliciting mutual compassion and finding new ways to care for the old wounds – this time without creating new ones for either partner.
Moving away from blame
One of the most common fears I hear from clients about couples therapy is that it will just be an opportunity for blame. Some worry that their partner (or the therapist!) will blame them for the couple’s problems. Others worry that they will no longer be able to ignore how much they themselves privately blame their partner, and this will require them to either leave the relationship or carry on even more unhappily than before.
Central to my approach to couples therapy is letting go of blame, instead assuming that everyone is behaving the way they do for understandable reasons. This does not mean that all behavior is safe or constructive, but we can find compassionate ways to interrupt and shift behavior while empathizing with where the behavior has been coming from. And because both partners have helped construct unhelpful feedback loops, both partners will need to try new things to deconstruct them.